


Jenny and Joy

by Notoyax17



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Humor, What do you mean they're not having an orgy?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-09-20
Packaged: 2018-02-05 05:26:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1806937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Notoyax17/pseuds/Notoyax17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Skye is pretty sure that sure that Phil is dating an Avenger. She's just not sure which one...or if it's just one...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Natasha

**Author's Note:**

> This was a random plot bunny that popped into my head and I just want to get it out of me before I lose it. 
> 
> Anyone that can figure out where my title comes from wins ALL the cookies.
> 
> Also, I'm always looking for a beta or anyone willing to point out mistakes they see in my work.

They're in New York the first time it happens. The Bus is docked in one of SHIELD's many (seriously, why is there so many?) landing bays, just stocking up for their next trip up. Skye's carefully dumping some more rations into their storage area when she sees her.

Skye likes to think of herself as mostly heterosexual (mostly, because she's watched Wanted and she's not blind), but she has to admit she was a touch swayed there. A woman with long, wavy blond hair (that glimmered in the sun and ghosted across skin as fair as...she needs to stop reading romance novels...) is making her way up the landing bay. She moved with a cat like grace, hips giving just the right amount of sway casually, naturally, sexy without seeming sultry. Her dress is a modest knee length white number, but clearly expensive and classy, like someone born and bred through old money.

The woman pauses when she reaches Skye and smiles warmly. "I'm looking for Philip. Where can I find him?" she asks. For a moment, Skye embarrasses herself with an award winning imitation of a goldfish before managing to point her to the balcony. The woman murmurs her thanks and makes her way up the stairs.

Skye immediately rushes to get her teammates attention because, seriously, what is going on? She's managed to gather them just in time to hear the woman's just utterly pleased "Phil!" The four watch (well, the three watch, Ward's trying to pretend he isn't...though he definitely is) in fascination as the woman gives Phil a warm hug that he returns.

"This is a good look for you. Have something planned?"

"A gala over on 19th tonight. I just wanted your advice." she said.

At Phil's nod, the woman reaches into her purse and pulls out two small boxes of jewelry that she offers up to Phil. Their leader glances at each one before motioning her back a step and twirling his finger. The blonde smiles and spins around dutifully. Phil tilted his head thoughtfully before closing both boxes and handing them back to her.

"Neither. Wear the Harry Winston's. The one with the twin diamonds and centered with an emerald." he said. He reached out and brushed some of those blond locks out of her face. "They're more subtle and bring out the color in your eyes."

Her eyes widened a little and she ducked her head, smiling softly. She leaned over an gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You're the best." she said like a promise, before making her way back down. "I'll bring back a bottle of champagne for you!" she called over her shoulder on her way out.

The team watched her leave before turning to Phil as one. The man was already back to going over his checklist as if something crazy had not totally just happened.

Skye was having none of that.

"Phil!" Phil paused in his work and looked down at her over the balcony. She waved him down. He blinked at her slowly, likely resisting the urge to roll his eyes. He made his way down anyway.

"Yes?"

"I didn't know you were married!"

A crinkle formed in his brow. "I'm not."

Skye's eyes narrowed at him. "Yes, you are."

"No. I'm not."

" _Yes. You are."_

When Phil opened his mouth to protest once again, Jemma cut him off. "What I'm sure Skye means  to say is, was that woman your girlfriend?"

Phil blinked slowly at her. The was a brief moment where it looked like he was going to ask "what woman" before realization set in.

"That...that was the Black Widow. You knew that right?"

That earned him a couple of choked coughs and mutters of "of course," "obviously," "just making sure the others knew."

Leo leaned around Jemma to glance at Ward. "You worked with Agent Romanov before, haven't you? You didn't recognize her?"

Ward crossed his arms, though he didn't look entirely affronted. "That...was a major change from how she normally is. Even her voice sounded different. I...just didn't catch it." he admitted.

Jemma smiled up at Phil. "I had no idea she was so...affectionate."

Phil let out a sound that was very nearly a snort. "She's getting into character for a mission. She likes to do that early for ones she's not entirely used to."

 

Which, okay, made sense.

Or would have had she not met the other ones later...

 


	2. Clint

After having met one Avenger, Skye told herself that there couldn't and _wouldn't_ be that much surprise in her meeting with the other ones. Sure, the Black Widow thing had been a little weird, but it was easily explanable and not quite as crazy in hindsight.

She's seen all sorts of crazy shit in her life now. She's _got_ this.

Or rather, she _had_ this.

They're going over their infiltration plan for their next mission. Skye feels confident in her ability to work her way into the high security compound as a member of their technical support (after giving them a reason to _need_ technical support, of course). Ward is insisting that he be the one to go in, just in case things go bad.

Even though he can't even tell the difference between a C drive and an E drive on a normal computer. Even though it took him like 14 tries just to pull up FitzSimmons' hologram table properly. Even though-

Fortunately for everyone involved, Jemma interrupts at that point to suggest getting Coulson's opinion. Like it matters. She was totally (sort of) winning the argument anyway.

Skye reaches the door to Coulson's office first and, in her haste, doesn't bother to knock before opening the door a couple inches.

Her brain promptly shuts down.

There is a man in Coulson's office. A man _in addition_ to Coulson in Coulson's office. He's lying horizontally on his stomach across the top of Coulson's desk on the side nearest to the door. He's wearing a lighter version of their combat uniform, the top inched up a bit from getting into a lying position to reveal the dip of his back and a bit of those hips. His arms, thick and defined like they could lift her up with ease, are folded under his head. And that ass...

The only thing off about the beginning of what is clearly going to be porn (and... _crap_ , now she's imagining it. She bets Phil could just go to _town_ on that- NO. No. She still has to work with this guy, get your head out of the gutter, dammit!) are the stacks of files and papers resting on the man's body. As if her were just a glorified inbox. ...or depository (No! Nope, stop it, focus!)

When she remains frozen in the doorway for too long, Ward pushes the door open wider and nudges her out of the way, only to stop two steps in.

"Um...is this a bad time?" Skye manages to squeek out, forcing down the urge to find a roll of dimes.

"No. You're fine. What can I do for you?" Coulson says without even looking up from the file in front of him.

As if there _wasn't_ a totally hot guy just lounging right there! Has...has he not noticed or something?

"Barton." Ward barks, causing the man's head to tilt sightly in his direction. "What are you even doing here?" he asked, just shy of a growl.

Barton (Barton? Barton....oh, god. That's Hawkeye!) turns his head to face them and cracks open an eye. "I've got a thing with a guy at a place not far from where you guys are stopping off at." he says.

Ward's eyes narrowed to silts and Skye could actually _see_ that one vein on his neck throb. "We've been in the air for over 19 hours. That we boarded in the middle of a freaking _forest_. How did you even get here?"

Barton just shrugged and smiled cheekily, those arms reaching out in a stretch. His spine straightened and curved with the movement, hitching his shirt up just a little more and somehow not rustling that papers along his back.

Fitz glanced from Barton to Coulson, the pink in his ears telling Skye that he'd started down the same path of thought that she had but stopped sooner. "Did you know that he was on board, Sir?"

"Not as long as I'd have liked." Phil admitted. "What can I do for all of you?"

"Sir, do you really think that we should be discussing our mission in front of someone who isn't even cleared for it?" Ward asked.

Phil blinked at him slowly and glanced at a nearby vent and then back to him.

"It's unprofessional!" Ward grumbled after a moment.

"Have you ever tried to pick up a settled cat, Agent Ward? It's much more of a hassle than it's worth." he deadpanned. "If you want him to move, you'll have to move him yourself."

Ward glanced at Clint, who just smiled at him. There was a moment of silence, a standoff. Suddenly, Ward was grabbing Clint by the back of his collar, jerking his head back, as Clint threw his arm back and curled it under the arm that had a hold on him. Clint jerked his arm, pulling Ward down hard and turning him in the process so that he was half seated, his back slamming against Coulson's desk.

Clint immediately had his other arm pressed firmly against Ward's throat. He'd somehow managed to complete that entire manuever without disturbing those papers more than just a little.

"Asshole." Ward breathed out.

"I love you too, sweetheart." Clint said dryly.

Ward sorted softly and shifted under Clint's grip. "You can let me go now."

"You say that like you're _not_ going to immediately attack me again."

"I'm not." Ward said, tilting his head back enough to look up at Clint.

"Uh huh."

They stared at each other for a long moment before Ward sighed and intentionally loosened his muscles. Clint smirked and let him go.

"Are we just not going to talk about the fact that he was _sleeping on your desk_? Is that just a thing that normally happens? Is it comfortable? Can I do that?" Skye asked.

"No. Sort of. I wouldn't know, and no." Phil replied immediately. Skye just blinked, clearly not having expected an answer to all of her questions.

And, 'sort of'? _What?_

Jemma inched around her team to kneel down by the desk, looking up at the archer. She traced a finger along one of his biceps. "The muscle definition on these are just _lovely_." she said, somehow managing to sound both innocently clinical and exactly how Skye's been sounding in her own head for the last couple minutes. It was probably the accent. "How heavy is your bow?"

"Depends on the range needed. 40 to 130."

" _No."_ Leo breathed, coming over to stand beside Jemma. He took one of Clint's hands and was looking over his palms. "Why would you do that to yourself? I bet we could whip up a light weight recurve bow with a modified pull setting that..."

Skye turned back to Phil, who seemed to have gone back to ignoring them as FitzSimmons chattered with Hawkeye. It couldn't have been that important if they were so easily distracted, after all.

She squinted at the scene before her before inching her way around to the back of Phil's desk. She leaned down next to his ear. "You two are dating, right?" she whispered.

Phil paused in his work and turned to face Skye. He gave her a look filled with _so_ many levels of 'are you kidding me right now?' that she just raised her hands placatingly and took a step away.

So maybe he wasn't dating Clint. She knew about Strike Team Delta at this point. Maybe this was just one of those 'running through the fires of hell hand in hand' bond things.

Maybe. Probably, right?

 


	3. Steve

It's so obvious now! It's _so_ obvious. Of course Phil isn't dating the Black Widow or Hawkeye.

He's dating Captain America!

She's instantly sure of this fact (it's definately a fact now) when she walks through the open door of Phil's ground office. The bus is down for repairs for a couple days (there was a minor thing with some clouds...and a bomb. Then some mountains), which meant they were stuck at the New York base until further notice.

And Captain fucking (she _bets_ there's fucking) America is here. In full uniform. In Phil's office. He's leaning with one hip against Phil's desk and is talking quietly with an amused smile on his face. Phil's managed to do that thing where his face is utterly calm but his voice sounds _delighted_ , even from this distance.

Skye's trying to figure out how close she can get to ease drop on them when Steve Rogers looks up and over at the door and smiles at her with that All American Twinkle.

It's possible that she goes into cardiac arrest for a moment. She can't remember. All she knows is that she blinked and Captain America had suddenly teleported to two feet in front of her.

"You must be Skye. Phil's told me a lot about you guys." he said, extending a hand for her to shake. He probably punched Hitler with that hand.

How is this her life.

She manages to swallow enough air to shake his hand and say, "All good things I hope," with a surprising amount of cool.

"Of course. He's _very_ proud of all of you. And, on behalf of the Avengers, let me just say that we truly appreciate all the work you've done so far." he said.

For a moment, Skye finds herself distracted by that. Not the Avenger appreciation (although, yes, fuck yes to all of that), but the fact that Phil is... _proud_ of them. That he talks about them enough for Captain America to know her on sight. That's just...

She's so distracted by the sudden wave of fondness that she almost misses Steve say, "Well, I guess you should get back to work. So..." and he runs a hand through his hair, letting it rest on the back of his neck. "We're still on for tomorrow night, right?"

She knew it!

Phil gave him one of those calm smiles. "Of course, Captain." When Steve's head tilts up, the soldier standing a little straighter and giving him a pointed look, Phil amends that to, "Of course...Steve."

That shyly pleased smile is back on Steve's face now. He nods at Skye and gives Phil a two fingered wave before spinning on his heels and leaving the room with... a literal pep in his step.

"So...Where are you guys going?" Skye asks, trying for casual.

Phil slid some papers into a folder and stood up to put it into a filing cabinet. "He got some of his art added in an art gallery exhibit under a nom de plum and wanted someone to come with him to the opening. Unfortunately, Pepper, Potts that is, is going to be away for another week on business and the other Avengers are total non-options. And, since we're downed for the week anyway, he asked if I'd be willing to go with him for support." he said simply.

"So...think you're going to get lucky that night?" she asked teasingly.

Phil paused. "How so?" he asked in confusion.

"Oh... _you know_."

"..."

"..."

Phil raised his eyebrows at her.

"Uh, sex?" she tried, cringing a little.

Phil sighed softly. "Skye."

"Oh, come on! You can't tell me you wouldn't want to hit that! It's not possible to be that straight!" she protests.

That earns her an involuntary huff of laughter, which she considers a victory. Though he sullies that by rolling his eyes after.

"We're just going out," when Skye opens her mouth, he just barrels on, "as _friends_ to an art gallery. It's a completely legitimate thing that people sometimes do. Everyone's going home with their virtues intact."

Skye pouted for a long moment, watching him.

"Alright." she conceded after a while.

"Alright?"

" _Okay_ , okay." she said with a sigh.

She'd just been so sure.


	4. Thor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For irregardlxss, who got me thinking about this story again. 
> 
> Also, some trigger warnings in this chapter for torture. It's glossed over really, really quickly, but it's there.

For a highly secure, mobilized and _floating_ base of operations, Skye couldn't help but feel like the Bus got ambushed a lot.

 

But, in their defense, no one truly expects a militia of anti-government assholes with more legitimately-made money than is actually reasonable to fly up alongside them in a plane with cloaking technology similar to the Helicarrier and an exterior sonar system that fooled their computers into thinking there was nothing there.

 

Well, maybe Coulson expects it. She's getting better at reading Coulson's facial expressions and when the group boards their ship, gets into a bit of a scuffle before soundly handing their asses to them (and by "them" she means herself and FitzSimmons. The others surrender with a sigh once the assholes have placed guns at their heads) and explains how they got there, Coulson just blinks hard _slowly_ , glances at the ceiling for less than a second and then focuses on the ranting terrorists again. Skye quickly recognizes it as Coulson's "Not this shit again," look.

 

Which makes her wonder how often _this_ was a thing in the job that he was doing before.

 

Once Skye remembers that, yes, they are in fact in the middle of a hostage situation and this is something she really needs to pay attention to, she realizes that they're trying to threaten them into giving up SHIELD secrets. And that they intend to _torture_ them for it.

 

They start with Coulson, hoping that breaking their leader will get the rest of them to fall in line. It should work, to be honest. Fitz looks horrified and Simmons has tears welling up in her eyes. It's all the worse due to threats of an immediate death if they look away. The only reason why Skye herself hasn't immediately started spilling secrets (fake ones that at least _sound_ credible, thank you) is because of the look on Coulson's face.

 

He looks like he's listening to hold music.

 

She doesn't believe what she's seeing a first, assuming it to be some sort of SHIELD technique of steeling yourself. But then she notices the subtle bobbing of his head and the he's blinking in a pattern. A pattern that she _knows._

 

Her eyes narrow slowly. "Are you singing Last Friday Night in your head?" she asks before she can stop herself.

 

Whatever tension that had existed before is definitely broken. The terrorists are staring at her in alarmed confusion, FitzSimmons both look like they are trying really hard to be serious here, dammit Skye, and Ward is staring at her like she's an idiot. And Coulson eyes, as bland and serious as his face may be, are sparkling.

 

She's trying really hard to not be amused by it. The fact that two of Coulson's nails are missing helps, though not as much as it should.

 

The men are already getting riled up again, screaming at Coulson for not taking them seriously (which he's sort of, vaguely, acting contrite about. Some what).

 

One of the men pulls out a large jagged knife from his belt and the other men fall silent. His intentions are almost painfully clear. Skye sucks in a sharp breath, feeling more than a little guilty for outing Coulson in the first place, when she is startled out of it by an almost deafening drum of thunder followed by a bright burst of lighting right outside their windows.

 

The terrorists pay it no mind but, for the first time all day, Coulson visibly frowns. He spares a glance at May who simply blinks once back. Coulson tilts his head to one side and then back.

 

"You should probably surrender now," he says, like he's the one that's heavily armed and is being reasonable about having the upper hand.

 

The terrorists find this just as hilarious as Skye would if she were not actually _living_ through this shitstorm of a day.

 

One of the men, sporting a mustache that makes Skye's inner fashionista twitch in utter hatred, leers at Coulson. "You would ask _us_ to surrender? You think you have that right?"

 

"Yes. It'll be safer than what you're doing."

 

" _Safer?_ And who will we be safe from, huh?"

 

"Me."

 

The group startled and spun around, only to see the goddamn God of Thunder standing behind them. Thor's eyes shift over each of them before landing on Coulson. When his eyes make their way back to over the terrorists, his answering smile is frigid. "I would suggest your surrender, but I am increasingly unsure that I should allow it."

 

Well, _fuck_.

 

Coulson must have had the same reaction because he replied to that before the bad guys could. "I'm fine, Thor. Really. Surrendering is fine."

 

Thor blinked at Coulson and then turned his attention to May and raised an eyebrow. She shrugged. "A couple bruises and cuts. No broken bones. They're actually just not that good at torture. He'll be fine," she replied factually.

 

Thor nodded at her and then crossed his arms. "If you surrender, then kneel."

 

The terrorists glance around as if expecting one of their own to have anti-Asgardian pepper spray or something but, finding none, eventually went down to the knees.

 

It was all fairly standard from there. Well, fairly standard in that one of the men tried to be a hero (...a hero to bad guys? A ultra villain?) and whipped out a gun to shoot Thor in the chest point blank. Thor had glanced down at his not-even-dented armor and then back to the shooter before taking his gun and crushing it into a tiny metal ball with one hand. The actual surrender came really quick after that.

 

Once everyone that shouldn't be tied up was untied and everyone that should be tied up finally was, things started to settle. Thor came to stand before Coulson, his worry plain on his face as he looked Coulson up and down. His hands, which had started on Coulson's shoulders, ran down the length of his arms in sync with his eyes.

 

"Thank you for coming, Thor. I appreciate your help. It was a _lot_ quicker than what I had planned." Coulson said with a fond smile, finally breaking the silence between them.

 

Thor beamed at him in response and Skye wasn't entirely sure that the fact that everything around them seemed brighter in the face of it was entirely in her head. "Of course! Anything for you, Son of Coul. Never hesitate to call upon me should you find yourself in harms way!"

 

Coulson smiled wryly at that. "Sure, though I'd like to keep _some_ of the battles for myself."

 

Thor's answering laugh was loud and kind of infectious. Skye was sure she saw even May's lips quirking up in the corner of her eyes.

 

Between that and the time they landed at a SHIELD base, Thor didn't leave Coulson's side. She'd even caught him in Coulson's office, standing close and reading over Coulson's shoulder while he filled out the necessary paperwork documenting this incident. Between that (Coulson would have kicked her out ages ago for that!) and the constant physical contact, Skye was pretty sure she knew what was going on.

 

Thor was big and blond like Captain America, friendly but still very much a threat with arms that you kind of just want to sit and stare at for hours like Hawkeye, wealthy like Iron Man, balls-droppingly powerful like the Hulk, and was beautiful with just a hint of exotic-ness like the Black Widow.

 

So clearly Coulson would want to cut himself off a slice of that-

 

Skye was startled out of her thoughts by the sensation of being watched. And, now that she was paying attention, it was very clear that Coulson had noticed her watching him and spacing out very obviously in the doorway and knew exactly what she was thinking. "No," he said simply.

 

She pouted at that. "But you've _considered_ it, right? I mean, look at him! I bet he would!"

 

Thor raised an eyebrow at that and looked down at Coulson curiously. Coulson blinked hard at her and glanced at the ceiling briefly before waving Thor off with a smile. "Out," he ordered.

 

"I'm going to find out eventually! You _could_ just tell me!" she shot back.

 

Coulson rolled his eyes at her, which was new. "There's nothing to tell. Can I not have friends?"

 

Skye opened her mouth and then shut it with a click. She gave him a vaguely irritated offhand wave as she left. Because, I mean, _sure_ , it was entirely possible to befriend that many hot people with no problems. But Skye was feeling... _frustrated_ just being friends with the guy that was friends with all of them. That could explain why he was living on the bus with them instead of the lap of luxury being waited on and (at least in her fantasies, thank you), you know,  _serviced_ by half a dozen sexy superheroes in sexy uniforms.

 

Coulson was not a nun or a male nun. There was no reason why that _couldn't_ be a thing if it wasn't already.

 

...But, hey, maybe Coulson just needed a little push.

**Author's Note:**

> My Tumblr  
> [Notoyax17](http://notoyax17.tumblr.com/)  
> The Headcanon Tumblr  
> [Avengers BroTP Headcanons](http://avengersbrotpheadcanons.tumblr.com/)


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